Eulogy.Rebirth

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Kal Fontaine

4:22

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Just so you know
It hurts me to do this
But you destroyed me
You were tearing me apart
It's been 7 years
You know me by now
You should've expected retaliation
You are the most abusive person I've ever known
I fucked up, sure
But at least I admit it
You refuse to admit your mistakes
So let me remind you of who you are
In words you can comprehend
This is your suicide note
You'd never write it to tell the full story
So let's start with your point of view

Stop taunting me with the death and just do it
Everytime you say something to me I just knew it
That everything that came out of your mouth was complete bullshit
I try to understand with everything I am, the delicate nature of this
The mental illness, the bipolar, the mood changes, I've had enough of it
I try to be by your side but I just can't do it
I'm so messed up as a person, this heavy life of a narcissist
I refuse to believe it, to become it, to learn from it
A letter from me to you, the new you, the new me, the harsh view
From the top of the tallest memories I have of you
The person you were before me
The person that stands before me
The person you were without me
I can't stand it, I can't tolerate it
I said I want you to be miserable and I meant it
I mask everything as if your mental health is important to me
But in the reality it's completely something that's not real to me
I know it hurts you but I don't care
I'm there, you're here, and that's all that I need
And it doesn't matter what you say or do, it's what I believe
To be true, because without you
I'd still be suffering on a couch in my mothers bedroom
Or sleeping in my ex husbands living room
I can't be without you
I can't imagine my life without you
But for some reason I can't stop fucking hurting you
And I just can't join you
Where you are, even though its far, I can't get in my car
And pick up everything I have
Because you're too unstable for me
And you have your faults
And it's your fault
Everything is your fault
I can't accept that I'm wrong
I can't accept that you're right
Because at the end of the night, I have to be the one talking down to you
I have to hide that I enjoy the fact that you have this mental illness
And I hide it just so I can use it to victimize myself when you need help
Redirect the light from the darkness into my own blackness of night
So when you are trying to put up a fight against me
I can immediately turn it all around on you
And blame you for everything that I did wrong
It's the reason I need you
Because I can't accept responsibility  for me
I need you to be wrong
I need you to believe that I'm the best thing to ever happen to you
So I can be lifted just to remind you
That I'm better than you because my father figure failed me
And I barely have any family
So no one can teach me
Even though you tried
And I know that you lied so many times
I know that you struggled too
But I had to use you
For my own truths
But now the weight is too much to carry
And I could never find the strength to apologize to us both
I saw so many things in you that showed
So much fucking hope
And even when you went into the hospital I used it to elevate myself
I know it's fucked up and I'll never admit it
I can't ever give you the advantage so f*ck it
We both are evil in our own ways
But I'm done trying
I'm done trying to live this lie
So please take this depressing time
And write down everything you ever wanted of me
So when they lay me down to be buried
I can take your words down with me
I fucked up so badly
And I know you won't forgive me
No one can hear my cries and screams from six feet deep
Except you, but after my sins I know you'll block out the real me
Because there isn't anyone I could truly show that too
So there isn't anything else left to do
Except put my head through this noose
I know you wanted me too
I guess this is the last time I'll speak to you
This world was truly so far beyond
Please let Emily know I'm sorry and I'm gone
I never wanted this life for her
But I know she will be so much better with him
Even though I can't stand him for turning her against me
I can't bare to live in this life anymore with the pain that I caused
Everything I did to you will always haunt me
I knew that you would always be there for me
But I pushed you away and that was the end of us
I used my body to control the lust
Because I didn't have anything else to offer
Besides my own insecurities
So lower me down into my grave
Leave me alone and give me some grace
I know that you will always hate me
But Please know that I'm sorry
I know I never said it before to you
But I regret what I did to you
We were both victims
We were both murderers
We died in slow motion
Just know that I will always love you
I purposely hung myself in your house so only you would find me
Because metaphorically
You were the only one who ever loved me
So keep the image of my body swaying in your memory
It's the last time you'll see me
I'm so sorry
And I love you
I will always love you

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