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J.B.

6:04

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I guess I'm still alive
Would be even if I tried
But I almost died
Symptomatic of Suicide
Yeah
Go to the bathroom then I hide
To slit my wrists open wide
Yeah
Would you do the same in a position as am I
It's been a scary year
I wipe my tears
Filled with fear
And I've had it up to here
Dealing with shit
But I conquered
Here
Take your star and take your ribbon
Con-grad-a-fucking lations
Welcome to adult life
Cuz no one fucking cares
(Ah)
Went to the counselor
The following afternoon (Noon)
Had to tell my parents right out of the blue (Blue)
I'm mentally ill
Have no will
To survive after this shit
And then that begged the question
Why would you do what you do
But not specifically
It was cuz I cut my wrists
Why don't I know my worth if I pulled in a chick (Chick)

"Is it worth it for a girl?"
Asked my Mom
Yeah I was wrong
But I was 15 at the time
And I don't say this for the rhyme
Cuz the day was really specific
2018
August 1st
But I slit my wrist on July 31
Yeah
And we remodeled our bathroom
But the memories remain
It's so hard to wanna stay
When the scars don't go away (Way)

November 2017 
Had my first panic attack
So sad my pastor didn't give a crap
I was talking to my girl
Through snapchat
Bout how to cope when she going through some flack
Yeah
God matters
But I wanna fucking help
Before something worse may happen
Cuz you just may never know
And that may sound farfetched
When you're 14
Tryna solve
Some family fucking problems but you don't know how to resolve
And ever since that day
In every single relationship
I have a panic attack a day because the ex was kinda shit
At helping me love myself
Had no confidence for 2 years straight
Then I met Jocelyn, who helped me through my ways
And I apologize for what I did
Cuz you didn't deserve that shit
And if you never forgive me
Then I completely understand
And you may hear it through this song
Before you get a text
And I'm not one to admit
I'm sometimes very petty
But cutting off when we dated
Was a huge mistake
Cuz to this day
I still regret it
How I ended things

October 2017 
Hey Mom
I met a girl
Gotta get shit ready for Hoco
2 months later
Hang out again
Drink hot cocoa and snuggling
Never felt more protected
At the time my brain wasn't functioning
So I was quite nervous to do anything
Never woulda thought pushovers got treated like shit
I was 14 at the time
Now I'm 17
Writing up this shit during quarantine
Told myself I'd never write about a whore again
But I gotta move on from the past of my life
So
Hate to break it to ya ******
I'd rather learn how to play church organs
Or donate one to an orphan
Or have a fucking abortion
Stick a fork in an orifice
I was born again like Notorious BIG
And I still have some wounds to heal
But I opened them like a heated oven
And
I know we resolved things
But I still am kinda sour
Cuz I'm sure you cheated on me with that fa**** ********* *****
And at the time
At the hour
You opened me up to new things
But never made me feel loved
And not during arguments
I need reassurance
Or else I just can't handle it
Sometimes the thought of dying seems much more ignorant
But why is that my go-to
Cuz I'm too pussy to handle things
Yeah
Why do I rap so serious
Cuz I'm not into bling
But
4 minutes later
And I
Can't describe my life
Still
This shit makes me feel ill
I need to take a chill pill
Cuz if I die tomorrow
I never lived how I really wanna
And making a living is my objective
But making music to save some lives is more motherfuckin important
And I guess this was my diary
From 4 years ago till now
And just in case
This is it
Let me take my final bow
Cuz I love you all and I never wanna leave
But sometimes shit really gets to me
But I swear to God behind me
Is a real life man with priorities
And sometimes things get into the way
But my only hope is to just stop and pray
And I never wish my life away
But I only want to rid my pain
And I swear this shit isn't a gimmick
it's just real life me spitting on a couple beats
I hope one day
Y'all understand
My music lives through you and me vicariously
And I want to be a celebrity
But my only worries right now is surviving
I just wanna live
I think I got this
If I don't at least I tried
And
Thanks to my environment
For giving me the encouragement
And I hope you all are thriving
Cuz this is the shit I take seriously
Keep it engrained in my brain
Till the final day
When I take my last breath
Please just remember me

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