Night of My Life

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Ex Wife

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It started the day we arrived
Noises coming from the guests next door
We're in a cheap two-star hotel
A room at the back
Over-looking the carpark
We were settling in
I was resting on the bed
My wife unfolding our clothes
Putting them away
At first, we didn't recognise what it was
A bit of creaking and clattering of furniture
But it was incessant, rhythmical
Then they started to moan
My wife was as stoic as ever
'They're only having fun
They're probably on honeymoon
I won't hear a thing with my earplugs in'
And she was right, she didn't, but I did
That night, after we'd retired for the evening
Not long after she'd dropped off, it started again
The wall between us is just so thin
The gasps and grunts and groans
Sounded like a man and a woman
I was pretty sure there were only two
But who's doing what to who?
It seemed to go on for hours and hours and hours...
I just lay there, as annoyed and frustrated as I was titillated
Next to my wife, knocking one out in the dark
I quickly learnt they didn't confine themselves to the evenings either
They'd start at any time of the day
Just as we were heading down for breakfast
One day I nipped up after lunch to change my shorts
They were there, at it
The creaking bed, the knock of wood on wall, the cries of ecstasy
People detached from themselves, immersed in each other
But we never saw the couple on the corridor

Sitting at dinner on the final night
I could barely focus on the buffet
It's an all-inclusive, but it doesn't include everything
After, sat in the bar, I wondered if they were there
I could go around the back and see if the light's on
But I was convinced it would be
Unable to bare it any longer, without even thinking
I did something I've never done
'I've got a headache, I need to lie... down and sleep
You stay and have another drink, don't worry about me'
Kissing my wife goodnight
My shorts are already getting taut

I think I can hear them as I stand in the lift
But it's all in my head
But they are in, I knew it
I locate the after-sun and then get a grip
But I want more, that's it
I need to hear better and think of an old trick
Glass to the wall
A window into a world of uninhibited satisfaction
Are they just young?
Are they drunk? Deranged?
They might even be in love?
Maybe it's chemsex?
I'd read it in the papers
I've never been so stiff
If there's a heaven
I think this is what it is

Tonight, they're really going at it, and it's amplified
But distracted by my other hand, I fumble
The glass falls and shatters on the floor
The world stops for a moment...
But then the practicalities kick in
This plastic cup doesn't work
Shall I get a new glass from the bar?
No, I can't leave, and the wife might see
Then I turn and my eyes fall on the balcony
Stepping out, I peer around: the curtains slightly open
A chance to see - my pre-ordained destiny
Suddenly, sound's not enough
And there's only a small gap between the balconies
Do I need to prepare and plan my approach?
A couple of strokes every now and then
Just to keep things going
Pumps for grip at least
Trunks, temporarily, to keep it safe
That's it - I'm ready for the greatest night of my life
At last, I leap, but I slip, and I fall
And I'm found in a flower bed in the morning
Stiff as a board

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