Shattered

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Pace

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Feeling worthless like life has no purpose
I'm nervous no speech I'm wordless
Have to force words to the surface
I don't know why I stay inside for days at a time

Sober six months how
Sleeping on moms couch
Sitting in all my doubts
Won't leave the house
I'm 22 now checked out
Need change a new route

Jack-a no trades
Lost up in a cloud
Let myself down
Wanna feel proud
Use'd to be loud
Sound won't come out my mouth
Don't get it what's life about

Depression rearranged me
Regression to the mean
Means I can't see light through the trees
Feels like I rarely breathe
5 months tripping on shrooms can barely speak

Sucks to be psychotic for that long I've lost me
Mom said pack your bags move on
G you going to rehab for weed that's why
You can barely speak but that's not me that's not me

See in hindsight I'm bipolar
Smoking weed just to help me to peak
When I feel lower, helps me speak
It's My release, A high so free
Fine ship me by the beach
Across the sea

I can't feel worse then I feel now
Don't wanna hurt but how
A useless soul
No useful goals
A broken boat that won't float
A no show so let me go

Bye mom bye dad
In cali at rehab
It's a waste of money honestly
They won't listen to that
Two months go by
I snap you're wasting time
And 10k a month
Please let me back I'm fine

Off the plane in Newton Massachusetts
Where my youth is
Sat down like a student
Nothing new the only one, they are two
And I'm the lonely son

Mom says don't know how to say this
No way to get my brain to tell you it's
Your dad pancreatic cancer so bad
With no answer, so slow
I know you're sad

I'm crying screaming at the top of my lungs
What will I do with out your love
With out your hugs
I feel shattered broken and battered
Tears splattered frozen and haggard

I want you by my side this can't be right
At two you used to tuck me in at night
Two years I have to watch you die for real
This isn't real my biggest fear

May 31st 2014
try mushrooms again
Not learning a damn thing
Dad is dying his skin is green
I'm crying he's so weak
Needs help to the car
Needs his team

Last time I hug him
He says to me
When I die
I'll be by your side
Look high toward the sky
I wonder why
He had to die
I cry and cry and cry

June 4th 2014
Mother says to me
I have cancer sweet pea
NO WHAT THE F*CK THIS IS SO FUCKED UP
CAN'T BELIEVE OUR LUCK Dad just died now what

You have cancer too
What am I to do
All I ever knew
Being loved by you

How long can you live with a condition like this
No it's bullshit dad died and your sick
I dono kid, Multiple myeloma's a bitch
I'm going through cemo to give me a lift
Member son life is a gift
It took 5 years just to have a kid

God I feel lost, I need hope, please answer
Your thoughts, My parents got cancer
God I feel lost, I need hope, please answer
Your thoughts, My parents got cancer

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