trapped behind the page (feat. LRNX)

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Bayan the Poet

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I don't know if it's seasonal depression
Or depression hold the season
Like chicken without seasoning
Where's the flavor in life
I like to blame my demise on the pandemic
But I think my fall began years before
Santiago in the alchemist
Searching our destiny years before
Before we were born
Before our mothers wombs were torn
Bodies ripped open
For new life to enter this world
We leave this world the same way we came in
Ever in search of our destinies
What if we feel like this because it's already been fulfilled in our previous life
Or what if we're preparing for our after life
What would it feel like to close my eyes
And never wake up
Sometimes, I wonder
If death is rest's sister
Or if life is rest's killer
Sometimes, I wonder
Will life's exhaustion ever end
Or will it reproduce every sunrise
Sometimes, I want to lay here forever
Behind this smile lies pain
That only my poems will speak on
This is no woman's complain
But a poet's quatrain
Dark thoughts twist into a migraine
My beautiful dark twisted fantasy
I can't seem to find the voice
So I let the pen do the talking
A burnt out teacher thinking
She can change a broken system is a fool
Like the fall of Detroit schools
Around every corner
I see depression walking
He creaks on school floors
Hides behind classroom doors
Stares back at you from his blank stare
Stops doing his homework and
Starts pouring vodka in his water bottle
Because even if he tries the system laughs at his face
Tell him he's a disgrace
That he'll never make it past the 10th grade
Around every corner I see depression walking
She creaks on kitchen floors
Hides behind closed doors
Hear my mother's cries thru thin walls
Find my brother in his car
Battling his own war
Head hung over the wheel
Thought the alcohol would heal
Tried to drink himself to death
Says he just can't take life anymore
Sometimes, I read my poems
And the page catches tears
I think of my mother's broken dreams
And I try not to weep
I think of the pain he birthed in me
That no western medicine can abort
Whether it was passionate love or passive aggression
I stopped writing because you were the reason I wrote
You fueled language in me
That foamed Words out the mouth
You sucked the love dry out of me
This heart is a drought
No wonder I go from man to man
Not knowing how to love anymore
Like what is love
When you're battling an inner war
Sometimes, I avoid reading my poems to avoid these feels
Sometimes, I avoid writing to avoid these truths
Am I willing to set myself free or
Will I stay trapped behind the page

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