Patience

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Numadik

8:27

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Holding onto something
That keeps on crushing my soul
Wishing I could let it go
Trusting it releases the hold
It's got on me
It's got on me
Dug in deep
Ever since I lost everything
That I dreamed
Seems so long ago, that I believed
I would be a greater version of the current me
But currently
I see it differently

I built a kingdom
Took over a decade
I filled the hole that my human condition made
Through all the blood, sweat
And the headaches
I broke my body for a trust in the future's sake
I had to mediate
The cost of my mistakes
I had to concentrate all my faith on myself
Vision clear like glass that cracks bird's necks but don't break
Faith in myself
No one else
Full send tactic
Felt the choice was absent
Committed myself to repeat the same actions
To build a skill, chase my dream and finally catch it
I had to believe that my beliefs would hold traction
That's what I thought it would take
Laid my eggs in a basket
Left me without options when the eggs got to crackin
Asking God with my head tilted towards the heavens
Why was I abandoned by my brethren
Felt I betrayed my collection of ideals as if I hadn't met em'
As if God himself vetted my direction
Left me in the mud beheaded
Just a naked fetid corpse so pathetic
So pathetic
Passers by indifferent
And numb to the aesthetic
Too paralyzed to even scream for a medic
I couldn't get it
I kicked a dead horse until my legs were sore
Man, this is not what I expected
To occur
Was always told hard work
Would pay off in the end
But no one ever said
Anything about the trap that lay ahead
Unforeseen consequences to strippin' the thread
That what you once loved
You may never love again
Gone forever
Impossible to pretend
That I'm not
Crushed by this
That I'm not
Holding onto something

Change is inevitable
Resisting against that change
Causes great pain
And I can only
Speak on that from experience
I know Loudy can speak from that too
He brought up this concept for this song
Cuz I made a beat
I was listening to some J Cole
kinda interlude/instrumental type
Type beat
And uh
Found out that we had some similarities
Not the same story, but some similarities
About change
And how life forces change upon you
And I don't know
I've been resisting change for a long time
And realized
I was the one who needed to change

I can't believe after all this time I'm still holding on
I wonder if this life is one my spirit voted on
My soul is tired
As I run this marathon
I hate expectations, and they want me to be a paragon
And I'll be the first to say that
I'm far from perfect
I trust God got my back, but even then I'm not so certain
I close my mouth
Cuz I don't want to be a burden
Others putting on an act and I just want to close the curtains

You know how in cartoons
They got that motherfucker that
That pulls somebody off the stage with a hook
That's me right now
I'm just tired of the bullshit
I'm tired of the theatrics
Like everybody fake as f*ck, I swear
Everybody putting on an act
It's like
Man, and I can see it too
That's what's crazy is like
As I'm talking to somebody everybody is caught up in their own life
And it's like
I'll never actually get to like
Y'all will never feel me like that

I used to give a f*ck what others thought about me
Now I'm saying f*ck that, I'm not sorry
I'm thinking 'bout all the shit that I let drain me
I'm thinking 'bout the people close to me who tried to change me
I think about why I'm such an asshole
I think my mind is trapped in the back of a large black hole
I get inside my car to clear my mind and hear Mac Miller
I wonder if he was still here, and never met his dealer
I wonder if I've lived this life and that's my deja vu
I wonder if I've ever died and God out here dropping some clues
I wonder if you think about me as much as I think of you
I say I'm fine
But every time my eyes screaming it's not true
Honestly
I tell myself that's just how it is
I try to control things and just know things and that's how I let that shit slip
I cried when Adam Sandler had a control and
Would f*ck around and press skip
If I had a remote, would I let go
Settle down and just live
Or would I press pause to cover my flaws
Cuz some of my flaws conflict with the law
Or would go back to cover my tracks
I think it's a trap, I wake up, see Saw
Maybe I'm the one who did this
I'm looking in the mirror and I want to kill the witness
Damn
I cried for everyone who lost the war to this illness
I try to talk it out but everyone about their own business
Like everybody only care about themselves man
So do you
So if I do me
And
You call me selfish but
You are a hypocrite
I think I went too far
I think I need a hypnotist
Cuz now I'm talking out my ass
Where's the ventriloquist
I only wanted love and that's why I'm an exhibitionist
Like for real, I'm just acting out
You know, just to be heard or something
But nobody cares man
For real it feels like nobody care man
So why the f*ck am I holding on
I'm fucking tired of holding on

Holding onto something
That keeps on crushing my soul
Wishing I could let it go
Trusting it releases the hold
It's got on me
It's got on me
Dug in deep
Ever since I lost everything
That I dreamed
Seems so long ago, that I believed
I would be a greater version of the current me
But currently
I see it differently

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