Wishful Thinking

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Lucius Echo

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Here I am
Amidst a world upside down I stand
Unsure if I’m worthy of being called a man

As each day grows darker the light dimming, swimming through twilight, my eyesight finite will die brightly by the hand of the bright light

The temperatures shrinking; sinking faster than my thinking could ever hope to conceive an idea of a thought of what might be impossible

Just maybe

Maybe this baby just may see the way he believes that she’s just a tease of a need’s inconceivably idiotic.

Or perhaps that the maps left by track marks of relapse are just traps that would stack on the back of the whack ass rap junkie

Though labeled a dunce he would climb with a monkey that would remain unseen some said he was unclean and laughed it was fun, see?, he could never run he was always the one being held up with guns bleeding from bullets of hatred

But maybe with time he could quit with the lies and put down the lines

Blow all the blow out his blowhole and go slow; there’s no need for speed when you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe

What a relief

I hope the feeling doesn’t cease but inevitably will, I cope with life with sharpened knives wielded with skill, when I fall down I lose my crown and start cutting

One thousand scars but I won’t stop till there’s nothing

But maybe if I look beyond the self-made cell held within every cell of myself I can help someone else

Another broken soul with fractured bones, a shattered ego, a split cerebral cortex, black eyes, bloody knuckles; wearing a birthday suit constructed of bruises

Used, battered, and beaten

Another hateful heart left in the dark after being stolen away, crushed and stomped, having a hole left in its place

 Damaged human beings; stripped of their innocence

Then again

The environment we’ve been living in couldn’t’ve been the reason that women and men once full of hope would string up a rope then slam some dope and paint their eyes with a glossy coat to try to cope

Some are mad, cause they’ve been sad so long, because the latest fads aren’t being bought by dad and mom. They believe drugs are rad and it’s cool to do wrong

I think them temporary fools; because school is in session

And they won’t BE for long

…

Some wish they had a dog and kids

Some wish they had a desire to live

One said “I can’t afford a new car”

Another said “I can’t afford a new heart”

I claim to know which would cause more stress, but honestly I cannot be that presumptuous because if I possess – a perfectly palpating heart pumping pints of precious blood

Why in the ever loving fleeting f*ck would I give half of a little mini shit about how much a new one costs? 

But it’s a matter of prospective really

Because I say that thick headed, quick witted, line so loosely losing sight not of what’s right - 

But important

Which I think is thinking not of the cost of a new blood pumper, no, not that but the underlying fact of not cash value – but the cost to a family who lost some sanity from a broken branch of the family tree

I think myself delightfully insightful

And rightfully mightful

Only for split seconds as the rest is filled with sick messages left on my doorstep addressed to me from my heads netherlands I am only just a guest in

As I try to express this; my thoughts are arrested

My mouth dries, I have less spit left in this desperate blabbering trying to lay this to rest because nothing’s mattering, but my once festering voice, toiling, as it boiled over grows quiet
And drowns in the chattering

Suicidal headshots leave blood spattering

While soul holes, with dead goals, leave worlds shattering

I can’t seem to find myself because I find it to be a waste of time to mind oneself

But myself does seem to find me and bring some clarity to the despair I put myself through

And the surrounding sea of kerosene, I didn’t care to see, I almost put a flame to

Myself always finds me set aside on my own self built shelf next to a wealth of knowledge I never utilize to get myself down

No

I chose to drown and keep myself down, because if the only one who can save me is myself, then I’d much rather destroy me than allow someone else

So I begin reeling in the feeling of falling, kneeling while they’re peeling off my layers, stealing pieces of who I am one by one until I become numb to the pain and I know it’s insane but I think that I’m saying I enjoy it

But I know that I don’t; I’m just trying to cope
Keep trying; but I’ll never avoid it

Among an infinite space of voices, I can see the silence starting to stem from me slowly but surely, as I sit stuck looking stupid leaving less clue that I need help then when I can actually handle it myself

Then it all stalls and abruptly falls and I try to call but I can’t

But hey

That’s just me

And if in me, you see a spark, of what might just be you

Then maybe there’s hope to put hope to rest because it’s no longer needed

Prolly not 

But hey; there’s nothing wrong with thinking that way

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