No Hair - Just A Red Head

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Larry the Cable Guy

Daniel Lawrence Whitney (born February 17, 1963), known professionally by his stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, country music artist and former radio personality.He was one of the members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, a comedy troupe which included Bill Engvall, Ron White, and Jeff Foxworthy (with whom he has starred on Blue Collar TV). Larry the Cable Guy has released seven comedy albums, of which three have been certified gold by the RIAA for shipments of 500,000 copies and in addition has starred in three Blue Collar Comedy Tour–related films, as well as in Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and Witless Protection, as well as voicing Mater in the Cars franchise. Whitney's catchphrase "Git… more »

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 The easy, fast & fun way to learn how to sing: 30DaySinger.com

I always get really irritated when you go out to eat,
and stuff, you know. I took this girl out to eat a
while back, we had a nice place.
I rolled the window up and the tray fell off,
and, uh, she's like, "You got mustard on my jacket!"

I'm like, "What the hell are you bitching about?
I had to smoke 800 packs of cigarettes to get the jacket!"

Ungrateful, is what she was.
I'd have madder than a deaf mute playing "Bingo",
getting "Bingo", and trying to holler out "Bingo!".
That's funny!

"B5."

"Nga, nga!"

I ain't gonna get married,
though, I thought I was once.
I met this red head, uh, no hair,
just a red head, and, uh, yeah,
she burnt up in a trailer fire a while back there.
Yeah, it was my fault. It was her birthday and I was
lighting farts, and, uh, she was a little too close
to me and I singed her eyebrows,
her hair burnt up and she running around the trailer
and caught the trailer on fire,
and I called the fire department.
They couldn't find us no where and we had to meet them
halfway, you know. Good thing we ran a couple red lights
or we'd have lost a whole kitchen on that place there.

My Grandma been married 'bout 60 years.
And, uh, she just died recently,
104, and, uh, but they saved the baby.
Lord, I apologize for talking about my Grandma like
that, and be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

But, my Grandma, she'd been married about 60 years,
and I was asking her about marraige,
you know, 'cause she ought to know,
and we was talking the other day about an hour,
you know, she sitting there.

I said, "You think I ought to get married?"

You know what she said? "Shut the door I'm trying to poop!"

You believe that? And then she kept talking to me with the door there.

[making struggling noises occastionally] She's like,
"I don't understand why you wanna get married.
You've only been dating that girl maybe two,
three years at the most, there."

Daggone. "Why don't you drop the chalupa,
and then come on out and talk to me. I mean this is ridiculous!"

And that's the thing about relatives,
you know. They don't care if you're in the toilet,
you know. They just walk right in on you. I was in there the other day.

[makes struggling noise]

Here come my sister, barging in. "I gotta get my hairspray."

"Hello! McFly, hello!"

Then she like, "Oooooh, it smells like crap in here!"

"What do you think's coming out of my hind end?
Twizzlers? Daggone, you heard me 'huuugh' going like
that, didn't you? What do you think I'm doing,
lifting weights in here? Daggone,
I'm trying to drop a stink pickle for Pete's sake.
You are harder to understand than a hairlip ordering
Biggy Fries, I tell you."

Haha, that's funny.

"Can I help you?"

"Uh, wiggy fifes?"

"What the hell are wiggy fifes?"

Lord, I apologize for talking about the retard ordering
wiggy fifes, and be with the starving pygmies down
there in New Guinea. Amen.

 The easy, fast & fun way to learn how to sing: 30DaySinger.com