Important Dates

As a kid I loved the heroes But as I grew up I understood the villains Is life worth living That little boy is gone Doesn't want to believe what he's become I try to reach out to him but he keeps running Don't know if he sees me as a monster or a demon I don't think I'm ready for the answer either way you out it Called it quits Until it Balled up its fists My chest is where it impacted I wouldn't hurt myself knowing it'll kill you I wish I could redo But all the hurt yet to be felt The card I was dealt But by your smile assume that you're three In two years that's the beginning You'll see what I mean Your father and brother Were in the front yard Outside it was dark You see the silhouette Of your brother getting hit Afraid you were next From that day on my father only felt regret That one mistake Would haunt me for a decade I ain't traumatized but what can I say I hate when they in the room If a fight broke out what would I do And I hate choose Between these two Yes these important dates Made me who I am today Would I have changed Or been numb anyway This is my life Don't know wrong from right The test of time I've read line after line Thought writing it down would've made me fine Boy that was a lie Count the moments I've cried Or lied I gotta start cutting ties That'll lead to my demise I gotta testify I know I can Or at least try All the while I look at the sky Looking for eyes That I know Had closed Like the casket I feel like I've had it Backwards For the longest Living with a rotten conscious October 19th of 2020 Was the closest thing to that night But later My mother tryna calm him down Grandparents are looking down Screaming Do not repeat Do not repeat Just call the police July 24th of 2021 Felt like the scariest date yet to come Because my father and brother One inside the other out Ruined our little brother's birthday how Thank god it was nothing but a thought That's why I despise people arguing Because I know it led to violence and All of these differences Don't lead to positives This is getting repetitive People don't know I'm in my bed Letting thoughts riot in my head Going into a cycle I know I keep getting high and low But I'll show It's news I know But I don't want to pick up But it feels like I need to stand up Put down this cup It makes the rush Feel like I'm growing up But I'm not mature enough In my dreams I pray for youth And if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be able to speak Let alone move You are an idol I can only imagine your smile I stifle While I still dial To hear your voice I wish I had a choice The white noise Is fading to black I ask Am I the only one who got my back If so I ain't too mad Burned my pen and pad So my brain can unclad The imagery of an outcast To greenlight and broadcast This gun's forecast As the bullets rain So it can pass And fictionalize The ones I idolize While the idle eyes Judge and stigmatize But won't congratulate My attempt for better days For my family As I speak with cowardice honesty