Important Dates

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As a kid I loved the heroes
But as I grew up I understood the villains
Is life worth living
That little boy is gone
Doesn't want to believe what he's become
I try to reach out to him but he keeps running
Don't know if he sees me as a monster or a demon
I don't think I'm ready for the answer either way you out it
Called it quits
Until it
Balled up its fists
My chest is where it impacted
I wouldn't hurt myself knowing it'll kill you
I wish I could redo
But all the hurt yet to be felt
The card I was dealt
But by your smile assume that you're three
In two years that's the beginning
You'll see what I mean
Your father and brother
Were in the front yard
Outside it was dark
You see the silhouette
Of your brother getting hit
Afraid you were next
From that day on my father only felt regret
That one mistake
Would haunt me for a decade
I ain't traumatized but what can I say
I hate when they in the room
If a fight broke out what would I do
And I hate choose
Between these two

Yes these important dates
Made me who I am today
Would I have changed
Or been numb anyway

This is my life
Don't know wrong from right
The test of time
I've read line after line
Thought writing it down would've made me fine
Boy that was a lie
Count the moments I've cried
Or lied
I gotta start cutting ties
That'll lead to my demise
I gotta testify
I know I can
Or at least try
All the while
I look at the sky
Looking for eyes
That I know
Had closed
Like the casket
I feel like I've had it
Backwards
For the longest
Living with a rotten conscious
October 19th of 2020
Was the closest thing to that night
But later
My mother tryna calm him down
Grandparents are looking down
Screaming
Do not repeat
Do not repeat
Just call the police
July 24th of 2021
Felt like the scariest date yet to come
Because my father and brother
One inside the other out
Ruined our little brother's birthday how
Thank god it was nothing but a thought
That's why I despise people arguing
Because I know it led to violence and
All of these differences
Don't lead to positives
This is getting repetitive

People don't know I'm in my bed
Letting thoughts riot in my head
Going into a cycle
I know
I keep getting high and low
But I'll show
It's news I know
But I don't want to pick up
But it feels like I need to stand up
Put down this cup
It makes the rush
Feel like I'm growing up
But I'm not mature enough
In my dreams I pray for youth
And if it wasn't for you
I wouldn't be able to speak
Let alone move
You are an idol
I can only imagine your smile
I stifle
While I still dial
To hear your voice
I wish I had a choice
The white noise
Is fading to black
I ask
Am I the only one who got my back
If so I ain't too mad
Burned my pen and pad
So my brain can unclad
The imagery of an outcast
To greenlight and broadcast
This gun's forecast
As the bullets rain
So it can pass
And fictionalize
The ones I idolize
While the idle eyes
Judge and stigmatize
But won't congratulate
My attempt for better days
For my family
As I speak with cowardice honesty

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