Alive

I gave it my best shot; but too little, too late Weight of the world on my shoulders, possibly you could relate So many dreams came true; so many nightmares too I seen with my own eyes just what nights may do Then saw the light, but the horror stayed in my mind I got homies I balled with just the night 'fore they died Survivor guilt; feels like the survivor killed My mama said no use crying over milk that's spilled She 55, I ain't lived even half of her life But at fifteen, I already thought I wouldn't survive Up to 25, man, I'm 26 years now With any luck, I'll prolly live to see my big man proud Of my accomplishments; prolly buy some wheels for the man I ain't saying it'll happen, it's just the will of man In case I win by a nose and life hands me the victory It's either that or I'm taking myself out of my misery I worked my socks off just to not off myself So many pesticides I keep at the top of my shelf So many nights I spent going through hell with my demons On the edge of a precipice with nothing to cling on It's time to clean up my act and take a positive stand Do everything my other me told me I can't 'Cause I been losing the plot and losing sight Losing touch, losing track, and losing my mind My dreams died on the vine and came back as regrets The green skipped a generation; I'm the one in the red Hot and bothered, like my mom was in a way Taking care of two sons who weren't grateful for a day She waited with bated breath for the day that I'd grow Less embarrassed that she didn't capture infinite dough For them PlayStations, mansions, Lambos and stuff My worst rue is that I never thanked her enough Life taught me that we aren't alive to be happy So we just lie we're all happy to be alive I just wanna feel alive even when I ain't happy But I think I'd feel happy if I wasn't alive Life taught me that we aren't alive to be happy So we just lie we're all happy to be alive I just wanna feel alive even when I ain't happy But I think I'd feel happy if I wasn't alive I'm just flying by the seat of my pants We never got time to figure out where we land I used to write down my dreams and fold 'em into paper planes Hoping that tomorrow is gon be better than yesterday My mama used to dry my eyes Then I'd hear her sob softly through the rest of the night She'd to keep a cool head so we couldn't see her break But all she ever wanted was a bit to take a break Mad that we weren't rich enough; used to hate Mama Dustups with Dad, I used to hate their drama Said I'mma make kale and get a place in the sun And move outta here and leave 'em with their other son I'm trynna wipe the slate clean now Mama, forgive me for every sin now I used to earn my keep and spend it all on 'em flirts And you never got hold of as much as a cent That's why I'm overcompensating now In all honesty, I think you prolly hate me now That's why my first year of grind, I gave you every grand that I made And said, let's build that house you always wanted to have Although we don't have enough, we're gonna be fine I know we're gon be happy somewhere along the line And I'mma stay here till we build an empire For this is my home; kumusha; ekhaya Life taught me we aren't alive to be happy So we just lie we're all happy to be alive I just wanna feel alive even when I ain't happy But I think I'd feel happy if I wasn't alive Life taught me that we aren't alive to be happy So we just lie we're all happy to be alive I just wanna feel alive even when I ain't happy But I think I'd feel happy if I wasn't alive