Walk Alone (May 15, 2021)

I don't wanna know I don't wanna know why I feel like this Don't wanna know why I'm so sad I don't want to pinpoint exactly why Cuz it doesn't change where I'm at And I just wanna go home But don't know what that means So I just walk alone Through these damp, cold city streets Sometimes the best thing to do is to just go to sleep and to wake up in a fresh day But it's far less clear what to do when you wake up and still feel exactly the same way Ever just walk out the door, morning walk of shame as your mental health scoffs Going nowhere in particular, maybe to feel momentum, as all else just seems blocked Drizzle on my shoulders, hands in pockets for warmth, and my hood over my ears This dull grey sky, mirrors my inner vibe, and a raven mocks my fears How do I feel so much yet feel so numb- a paradox inside That I can't hide, the way I'm told to Make others uncomfortable cuz reflects them unmasked too My shoes on pavement amplified, cuz my senses are wound so high Glance up, apartments, people-filing-cabinets to the sky A way we weren't meant to be Numbered, we calling screens community, anti-social media and insecurity Soft smile of a stranger passing by, but recognize that hurt look in his eyes See some cute birds on the side of the road, but then feel sad as they're scared and fly Away from me - guess they've been hurt too Hurts to be misjudged, but what can you do Far too familiar if a bird can hurt me, guess I'm really not ok Don't want a roommate or a life mate, cuz I need a place where I feel safe Try to trick my brain with a happy song, but major chords don't mask the pain Cuz I don't belong, tension coursing veins, and everything seems wrong I don't wanna know why I feel like this Don't wanna know why I'm so sad I don't want to pinpoint exactly why Cuz it doesn't change where I'm at And I just wanna go home But don't know what that means So I just walk alone Through these damp, cold city streets See COVID taught me when the cafes close, bound by these cell-like walls, life lacks diversity Just want to contribute, but seems the machine's already running just fine without me Wanna hop a train, but where to, and what then, every single escape's high is bound to end So what to do when you no longer can pretend? Feel like a pinball batted around constantly Why's it seem a losing game to crave the simplest things I don't want much... Just a place, consistent faces, to begin to trace out some semblance of home I've prayed all there is to pray Doesn't mean He doesn't care or's not listening, but for now's nothing left to say I know it's not forever... but do I really? Starting to feel like never... optimism fantasy The weeks and months and years pass by, and it gets harder and harder to even want to try My life stuck in limbo, while all around seems to just go on Don't know if hope's an enemy or best friend gone too long My heart and intentions don't leave a dent Feel my extroversion dying in self-defense As those who care share well-meaning sentiments That honestly lack empathy, as they pretend to have a clue About what it's like to be me, or what I'm going through It's not that I'm not thankful... but sometimes too tired to be If I liked alcohol more, would crave a drink I bet, instead the guy who walks out the door so I don't lose my head Cold grips at my cheeks, my socks are drenched, the weather's bleak, but don't wanna turn back yet ... Don't wanna turn back yet I don't wanna know why I feel like this Don't wanna know why I'm so sad I don't want to pinpoint exactly why Cuz it doesn't change where I'm at And I just wanna go home But don't know what that means So I just walk alone Through these damp, cold city streets