Purdue Ladies

Melissa was a cheerleader, half Jewish, but she never went to Temple Cute face, button nose, two nice dimples, a cheerleader, so all her friends were cool She seemed like a lock for a Big Ten school, even though her friends were going to IU Applied to Purdue, thought there ain't no harm in it, Maybe she'd be an engineer, perhaps a pharmacist, Who knows why, who knows why She went to the campus, it was ugly and dry, She wondered why, nerd was the style for the guys But despite all this, she still applied She scored real high on her ACT and had a 3.5. On graduation night, yes she cried She figured it was the last time she'd see those guys But then came the letter and she was so surprised It said no 8s allowed No 8s allowed Only 7s or lower, they'd love to get to know her if she put on some weight or took a blower to her face No 8s allowed Only 7s or lower they'd love to get to know her if she put on some weight or took a blower to her face Cause there's no 8s allowed. No 8s allowed No 8s allowed Kristen was an ugly duck, yes high school sucked Went to Purdue, and the campus stunk She was homesick, started eating junk She joined a gym to get out of her funk. She ran every morning and she started doing squats Her butt tightened up like a real nice knot. The first time in her life she was borderline hot By sophomore year she was doing much better, Immune to that smell but then came the letter, She thought it was a prank, thought it was a hoax That night in her dorm she called her folks She said mommy, daddy, listen what the dean wrote. Her dad cut her off, did you make the dean's list? No daddy. It seems I made the mean list Surely the dean can't mean this. It says I'm too pretty, I'm way too hot They're kicking me out cause there's no 8s allowed No 8s allowed. No 8s allowed No 8s allowed. No 8s allowed She'd be just fine if she'd go back to a five. She lost that booty and she stopped being a cutie Went back to a four, they'd love her much more. But there's no 8s allowed No 8s allowed. No 8s allowed Mary was a good girl, she made good grades. Her parents went to Purdue back in the day Strangers would say, hey is Mary adopted? She's way too pretty to be yours or his But sometimes it happens with ugly parent kids Just the way it is, the way it is Mary was a huge Boilermaker fan. Had Brian Cardinal knee pads on her nightstand She had a black and gold Gene Keady comb Robbie Hummel poster on her wall at home She went to the campus with her friend named Joan They were looking at the dorms, looking at the homes Campus security rushed up on them. They said Joan was fine, but since Mary was a nine, They said they did not accept her kind She grew real teary eyed and she started to cry And through those tears she asked them why, why, why Well, there's no 8s allowed. No 8s allowed No 8s allowed All these sevens are lower, they love to get to know her She put on some weight and took a blower to her face 8s allowed No 8s allowed No 8s allowed No 8s allowed