Purdue Ladies

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Groove Kennedy

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Melissa was a cheerleader, half Jewish, but she never went to Temple
Cute face, button nose, two nice dimples, a cheerleader, so all her friends were cool
She seemed like a lock for a Big Ten school, even though her friends were going to IU
Applied to Purdue, thought there ain't no harm in it,
Maybe she'd be an engineer, perhaps a pharmacist,
Who knows why, who knows why
She went to the campus, it was ugly and dry,
She wondered why, nerd was the style for the guys
But despite all this, she still applied
She scored real high on her ACT and had a 3.5.
On graduation night, yes she cried
She figured it was the last time she'd see those guys
But then came the letter and she was so surprised
It said no 8s allowed
No 8s allowed
Only 7s or lower, they'd love to get to know her if she put on some weight or took a blower to her face
No 8s allowed
Only 7s or lower they'd love to get to know her if she put on some weight or took a blower to her face
Cause there's no 8s allowed. No 8s allowed
No 8s allowed

Kristen was an ugly duck, yes high school sucked
Went to Purdue, and the campus stunk
She was homesick, started eating junk
She joined a gym to get out of her funk.
She ran every morning and she started doing squats
Her butt tightened up like a real nice knot.
The first time in her life she was borderline hot
By sophomore year she was doing much better,
Immune to that smell but then came the letter,
She thought it was a prank, thought it was a hoax
That night in her dorm she called her folks
She said mommy, daddy, listen what the dean wrote.
Her dad cut her off, did you make the dean's list?
No daddy. It seems I made the mean list
Surely the dean can't mean this.
It says I'm too pretty, I'm way too hot
They're kicking me out cause there's no 8s allowed

No 8s allowed. No 8s allowed
No 8s allowed. No 8s allowed
She'd be just fine if she'd go back to a five. She lost that booty and she stopped being a cutie
Went back to a four, they'd love her much more. But there's no 8s allowed
No 8s allowed. No 8s allowed

Mary was a good girl, she made good grades.
Her parents went to Purdue back in the day
Strangers would say, hey is Mary adopted?
She's way too pretty to be yours or his
But sometimes it happens with ugly parent kids
Just the way it is, the way it is
Mary was a huge Boilermaker fan.
Had Brian Cardinal knee pads on her nightstand
She had a black and gold Gene Keady comb
Robbie Hummel poster on her wall at home
She went to the campus with her friend named Joan
They were looking at the dorms, looking at the homes
Campus security rushed up on them.
They said Joan was fine, but since Mary was a nine,
They said they did not accept her kind
She grew real teary eyed and she started to cry
And through those tears she asked them why, why, why

Well, there's no 8s allowed. No 8s allowed
No 8s allowed
All these sevens are lower, they love to get to know her
She put on some weight and took a blower to her face

8s allowed
No 8s allowed
No 8s allowed
No 8s allowed

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