S U P E R D U P E R

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Shelby Taylor

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Year:

2020

455 Views

 The easy, fast & fun way to learn how to sing: 30DaySinger.com

I was swiping through Tinder at like 2AM. 
Left left left left 

Wondering why there are no decent men left (left left left) when I saw I had a super like from a guy named Geoff. 

Geoff, 32, Loveland Colorado

And my eyes had to pause because Geoff is a wreak I can already tell just from his picture and bio. Behind his greasy head I can see his bedroom floor, or at least I know there’s floor there cause I see some near the door. His entire room is littered with cans and trash and clothes and this dude just has “NO FAT CHICKS” in all caps as his bio so like even if his room was clean I would still be stressed plus his taste in wall art is questionable- at best. 

On the wall behind him is a poster for fight club and the poster next to that one says -Wubba Lubba Dub Dub- 

Oh he watches Rick and Morty, he must be so smart. I bet he’s such a Rick, be still my beating heart. So, obviously I make the move to hit him with the left because as tempting as this is I think I’m gonna pass on Geoff. But, when I went to swipe left I i guess i fucked it up cause instead of going left Geoffs profile went up. 

Shit. 

Did I just get myself into a super match? I don’t know how this works, I don’t pay for Tinder. He super liked me and I just super liked him back and I’m pretty sure I only get one super like a day…?
I go to unmatch him, he’s probably asleep, it’s 2. Please be asleep, please be asleep, please be asleep. Then ding I’ve got a message from you know who! 

It’s Geoff, we all know it’s fucking Geoff. 

Geoff says “hey how are you?” And I don’t want to be rude. So I say “Hey there Geoff, I’m good how are you?” And Geoff says “How do you feel about horror films?” Which is random but refreshing let’s be real I do like thrillers. So I tell Geoff “yeah I’m into horror” Geoff says “Whats your number? I’ve got something to show you” 

So I send Geoff my number out of curiosity. Buzz buzz it’s a text from Geoff, he just sent a selfie. Geoff is rocking merch from the film Cannibal Holocaust. That…is a red flag… and that’s because that movies like a horror classic. It’s one thing to watch it but it’s another story to really really like it. You’d have to be a different kind of sociopath to buy the merch from that movie! And that’s a fact. 

Holy shit. My phone starts ringing, Geoff is calling me. Is he dying? Who calls? Should I answer it in case it’s an emergency? I mean why else would someone call me at 2 in the morning? 

I let it ring out and then he calls me again and I can’t tell if I’m about to be concerned or annoyed. Geoff, my man you better be on your fucking death bed. At least it’s not a FaceTime. 

I would kill him if he FaceTimed. 

I pick up and say “Hey” and he says “why didn’t you answer?” I say “Because it’s 2AM and your a total stranger.” He says “If I’m a stranger, then why do you have my number?” And I say “ Ok good point” as if that isn’t super awkward. He says “Do you like my shirt?” I say “You don’t know?” He says “Know what?” “About the director? Ruggero Deodato?” Never let them mansplain..

He says, “Yeah that guy is like my favorite director.” I say, “Really? Cause he gave the green light to fucking murder seven- yeah seven different animals for that film.” “Well that just makes it better” 

I think I just got a chill. 

(Spoken) 
For reference the movie Cannibal Holocaust..um they kill 
(Sung) 
A little muskrat with a hunting knife. And then they kill a turtle, also with a knife. They also kill a spider, a pig, a snake and they had to kill two monkeys because they fucked up the first take. 

(Spoken) 
It’s deeply upsetting. If it’s on your list of movies to watch, you can just skip it. Just say it, you can just skip it. Anyway, back to the story

(Sung)
Geoff says, “I didn’t think you were such a little bitch” and I’m honestly kind of offended at that cause like I’ve seen every Human Centipede and didn’t even flinch Geoff I’m sorry I draw the line at anima abuse. I tell him to f*ck off and he says “You need me.” 

Need me for what Geoff, my skin? He says, “Your eggs are dying, you’re getting close to 30.” You know what Geoff, just take my fucking skin. 

He says, “I know you’re angry and that’s why you’re lashing out. Women only go on Tinder in a sexual drought but then they only go for guys who are 8’s and 9’s and 10’s. And I hate to break this to you but you’re like a 4 at best.”

I’m at least a 5 and I live by that. I. Live. By. That. 

I hang up really quickly and I block his number fast  and I go to open Tinder so that I can hit unmatch. He says, “I’m putting you on blast on my Facebook page” so I go to his bands Facebook and they’re called Lemonaid

Dude but it’s like the fruit and then the disease. How did I get here? Oh, holy shit

I see a picture of my face with my eyes scratched out and I’m extremely unsettled but I kinda like the clout. What? They open for Mayday Parade I’m like, a little impressed. But in a hazy early morning fog I choose not to engage. Blocked his number, blocked his Tinder, blocked his Facebook page. 

Bye Geoff. 

Then I was swiping through Tinder at like 4AM
Left, left, left, left
I never fucking learn

Wondering why there are no decent men left, left, left, left, left, left, left. When I suddenly got the worst idea of my life. Filters off. Show me all of Colorado. F*ck it. 

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. I was swiping through Tinder at like 5 AM. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Wondering why there are no decent men right, right, right, right, right, right, right. When I saw I had a message from a guy named Doug

Doug, 21, and an entrepreneur 

And I messaged Doug fast because he probably sells drugs

Uninstall Tinder. This is a PSA. Delete that shit and get away!

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