Poems Meditations Interludes

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Jasmae Hesse

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You're energy, ocean, forever's midnights
You're the debt I'd gotten myself in, the dollars I never saw but knew I'd eventually
Spend
You're every color of paint, the grand interpretive dreams that frequented my walls

You're the dates I never went on, the 'cause of a rational heartbeat
You're the allure of perfection, a glass mosaic held in the teeth of a junkyard
You're the promise wise men don't believe and that the God-fearing would never trust
You're a Saturday on a Wednesday, a juxtaposition of chaos and moods

You're who my parents always wished I'd never bring home
You're the pleas negotiating life to death, God's number one patient rechecking in without
realizing you ever left
You're a passport to treachery in a cheery waiting line, and I want nothing to do with you
Though I think of you all the time

Last year, you were flower, purity kisses, artful and demanding
I was fall, chalk moons, music and taciturn

I just want to be alone
Lost you long ago in this place
I answered the night's call where I saved you a smoke just in case
You rallied inside with the others
I loved you for that touch on my shoulder
It all gets better with time
Wish I wasn't giving up on getting older

To my grandfather, I admit, I don't think of you as often as I'd like to
Perhaps I need more pictures of you within my house
However, when you do stroll into my psyche and board a canoe atop the stream of thoughts
I always find the time to think back fondly

To think back to arm-wrestling matches and you treating me to ice cream
That vanilla bean flavor that always had a hint of frostbite
I do recall you catching my leg with your cane
And how you'd alternate playing tug-of-war over it with me and the family dog

I remember you calling out at Christmas, ordering who to get the next present
Even though you always bought us kids the exact same thing
Luckily it was something I was too young to notice
My gifts pleasantly caught me by surprise

You were a grandfather of kindness
Sitting out back in your chair, you fed the squirrels on your lap
You were a teacher of bad words as well as one who shined brilliance in front of a chessboard

You were a man who read the paper with his earbuds turned off
yet you never forgot to share the funnies
You were the grandfather I'd see on Sundays, the one we'd visit after church
The grandfather I visited in the hospital who could always give a charismatic smile

Even as your body fought sternly that wretch known as Cancer
Seeing you there, I was more than scared
Fear glazed on love
I was glad we'd visit, at least looking back I am

Not just be'cause my brothers and I rascaled on wheelchairs those clean white halls
But be'cause I'm glad to have seen and known you as much and little as I got to
Whether it was the TV in your white room
Or the big black box in your home

You'd make me giggle as you rooted for the good guy
Hit him again, he's Irish
You'd say supported by smiles and a wink in my direction
The things you'd say in scenes that made me blush

The reassurance that life can be so beautiful
So thank you, grandfather
I wish I would have got to know you more
However, I'm a hopeful one and believe together we've got more days in store

Much love, your grandson
The admirer of loving faces tacked to these walls

I read some Cohen in the night
But thought of Anne Carson and thought of life

I waited for sleep and drank some tea
Wondered when night will overtake me
I'm still quite healthy, just lacking sleep
But I see no sandman and I hear not a peep

So here's to reading and here's to joy
To a book of sad poems
Which I'm happy for more

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