Glazed Doughnuts for Me, Tube Socks for Karl Winslow

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ColdmaN5

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TGIF on ABC not gonna be beat
Step by Step and Urkel and Boy Meets World yeah that's you
A rollercoaster ride of family fun
Best damn shows under the Friday sun
Like medicine for primetime
An elegant dish of comedy
Laughs and excitement and laughs galore
Leaving the audiences gasping for more
Overall it was all just fun and games
Until the evening of Friday December the 8th

The mood in the air was that of happiness
Time for the Secret Santa gift exchange
The mood in the air was that of tackiness
On a sitcom that's always the way
Suzanne Somers alone in her dressing room
Brushing her beautiful blonde hair
Reginald VelJohnson just a shout away
Two sitcom stars without a care
I made my way past exchanging hellos with both
Then I made my way down to the banquet hall

Along the way I made eye contact with Jaleel White
But we didn't say anything to each other
Let's just say we weren't the best of friends
I immediately found an open seat and plopped down
Next to Topanga from Boy Meets World
I'd be damned if I could remember her name
And don't laugh because neither can you
After exchanging greetings I was approached
By an ABC exec who handed me a hat
I thanked him and started to put it on when he stopped me
Informing me that this was to decide what order
We could pick our gifts
I then closed my eyes and reached into the black top hat
Producing an exciting number sixty
That wasn't so bad
Rumor had it that a pack of tube socks would be one of the prizes at stake
I was praying to God that I got them
Memories were still fresh in my mind of last year
When I was hoping for a five-speed blender
And walked away with a peach-colored umbrella
This year no one was going to stand between me and my foot threads

I watched the ABC exec who must be low on the exec totem pole
As he made his way around the banquet hall's many tables
Offering every TGIF celebrity the chance to draw for an order
After what felt like an eternity the lights dimmed
And the president of ABC came out to provide the actors with
A congratulatory speech
Ratings this ratings that blah blah blah
I wasn't listening
I had my eyes fixated on the table which held dozens and dozens of Secret Santa gifts
I knew my cinnamon roll scented votive candle was one of the gifts up for grabs
I was kind of hoping Andrea Barber would get the candles
Because I heard she was fond of burning things

After a few moments there was loud applause
I looked up in time to see the ABC exec disappear from the stage
Replaced by a smaller man in his mid-30s
He also appeared to be an exec
"It's time for the TGIF Annual Secret Santa Exchange" he yelled
Into a microphone
Once again there was much applauding
I did not join in however
We were then informed that sixty-one people were participating in the exchange
Making my number of 60 appear not so grand
I wondered who was the only one below me
That thought was brushed aside once the actors
Started going up to claim their gifts
With each grab of a wrapped present
I knew someone may end up with my beloved tube socks

Rider Strong who played Sean on Boy Meets World went up first
He ended up with a brand new sleek blender
Much like the one I had wanted to win a year ago
It really went well with his personality if ya know what I mean
I then watched as one by one all the stars of TGIF went up
John Stamos was second, Bob Saget third
(I still swear this was a conspiracy as it was not common
For stars of the same show to have two consecutive numbers)
And so on and so forth
After what felt like another eternity
It was finally down to two people
Me and Reginald VelJohnson aka Karl Winslow of Family Matters
I heard through the grapevine that he had his heart set on
The dozen glazed doughnuts that someone reportedly brought in
Funny how fate works as all that remained on the prize table were two packages
In one were my beloved tube socks
In the other you guessed it
Karl Winslow's glazed doughnuts

I winced as the small man from earlier announced "No. 60 it's your turn!"
I slowly got out of my seat
No eyes were on me as by now everyone was bored and wanted to go home
Wait scratch that two eyes were on me
The eyes of Mr. Veljohnson
All of a sudden the exchange of hellos earlier did not matter
They were just an afterthought
I knew what he was saying with that look
"Don't mess with my doughnuts boy"
I approached the table both packages looked so similar
It was as if the person who provided the tube socks
Put them in a clothing box that just happened to be
Roughly the size of a box of glazed doughnuts
I had a 50/50 chance of claiming my prize
I also had a 50/50 chance of making Karl Winslow hate me for life

I took a quick glance back
Where he was still staring at me through eyes that were lowered
I immediately felt my hands sweating and my heart rate quickening
For a few moments I thought it would explode
I took a look at both remaining prizes
At multiple points I must have looked at the tube socks
But I didn't want to have to make a decision
I was content with standing up there forever
Until the small man running the show approached me
And tapped me on the shoulder
"You're gonna have to make a decision quickly my lad
We don't have all day" he said
I closed my eyes and blindly reached out
But instead I grabbed the man's jacket
I opened my eyes to see him chuckle nervously
Before turning me around so that I was facing the right way
I also heard a few chuckles coming from the actors behind me
I could still swear to this day that one of them belonged to Reginald Veljohnson himself
He wouldn't be laughing for long

I once again closed my eyes and blindly picked out a gift
I held it up
It was in a box whatever it was
It clearly felt like it could be a pack of tube socks
I slowly opened up the package still feeling the eyes of Karl burning into me
Under the wrapper was a white box
I looked up at Veljohnson one final time before announcing
It is time to discover
Looking back on that it didn't make a lot of sense
But I was satisfied then
I opened the box and my heart was crushed
Inside arranged delicately into two rows of six
Were twelve glazed doughnuts

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