Day 10: Time is Up (Tomorrow)

Matthew RayMatthew Ray 

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Matthew Ray

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Well, here I am
It's 1 a.m.
It's the last day
Only one more to go

I've made it this far
Less than 24 hours to go
I don't know what I expected to feel
Maybe I'll feel it tomorrow
Ah, tomorrow

Tomorrow, I can ride my bike
Tomorrow, I can go to Starbucks
Tomorrow, I can remember what being around people is like
On second thought, that last one can wait

Tomorrow, I can breathe air miles from my home
Tomorrow, I can simply run away
Tomorrow, I can drive my car
Oh, wait, it's gonna need a lot of gas
And that's gonna suck to pay for

Tomorrow, finally, all my dreams will come true
Tomorrow, I can get away from my family
Tomorrow, I can go get lunch
But I have to pay for gas already and I haven't gotten paid
I'm not sure what I can actually do tomorrow in all honesty

Today I'm getting ready to get ready to leave
I've changed my outfit far too few times this week
But I was stuck inside my room doing nothing
So, what was the point in dressing up

The end seems to be coming, and on the tail end
I can finally feel a sense of freedom
My grounding is over, I'm not locked up
I'm paid without work and I got my school done
Are you kidding me
Is it over already

This time took advantage of me
And everything was not just fine
I'm trying hard to not be surly
But all these issues are mighty burly

I didn't watch 1 of 900 movies
But I definitely didn't make the most of my time
This made me completely lose all my motivation
I put everything off as much as I could

I'm feeling good today
But i'm not feeling the same
Truthfully, none of the days were good at all
They're individual expanses I wish never happened at all
I pray my mental state quickly goes back to a better place
I mean that, it's not sarcastic
But I understand if you think that because I always seem fine
This really took a toll on me, that's a true and honest statement

I fixed my head for the first time since this started
I'm not in pain, but this week brought up stuff I thought was gone
I think I need your help to be fully myself
'Cause I'm not sure what all is going on in that northern hemisphere

My walk with God is slowly getting better I think
But every time I'm feeling down, I crawl into bed
I lay and scroll through everyone's face I wish I had
And vacations that I wish I could afford

Everyone can publish music
Everyone can film a movie
Everyone can do what I do and do it better
So, why should I even try

All the world's a stage, but nobody pays attention
I'm special and unique according to only mom
But she birthed me, so maybe she doesn't want
Her offspring to not be special
Maybe she's just trying to convince herself

I write in my notebook
Stories and ideas and random thoughts
But who even cares, I don't even read them myself
How can I expect anyone to be interested in me when I'm not

I don't care about my looks
Except when it's funny to put them down
You laugh because you think I'm joking
But what's really in that mirror worth complimenting

The jawline jokes were even cringey to me
I was tempted to remove them but I wanted to stay true
To the original album plan of writing a song per day
But I hate complimenting myself because it feels like a lie

I wanna say something that matters
I wanna say what I want
But I hate speaking up when everyone is shouting
One at a time, I can't understand all the yelling
I need somebody to talk to

How can I be heard when everyone is tryna be
I swear sometimes it seems I'll never get my turn
Maybe I won't, who truly knows
You're sorry? Then tell me why
All you seem to do is talk

You tell everyone what's wrong
And all that's going on
You talk behind each other's backs
About thinks you don't even know
Nothing's more important to you
Than what you have to say
The futile gossip that you spew is
Causing people to decay

Your opinions are worthless
When they stand against the facts
Stop presenting how you felt
As if that's how we should react
Everyone's completely different
And so is how we process
This information overload is
Nasty mental excess

Drop the façade, let your persona go
It's private, the whole world doesn't need to know
Knowing people's business isn't a superpower
You're so proud of it when you tout it
But, when confronted, you cower
Oh, take care of yourself
And let others do the same

I miss my friends
When will this separation end
Even when we're in the same room
I often feel far from you

I've known you a handful of months
And I feel we've grown so close
I lived my whole life without you
And I don't wanna be apart anymore

I'm so done not doing well
You probably can't even tell
Unfortunately, I hide it well
It's ridiculously selfish, I can tell

Writing stupid music will not fix what I go through
My therapy can no more be just jotting silly tunes
I wanna make a change because it's far past time to do
I think I'm over me and ready to change my pursuit
I'm praying but I'm honestly doing all I can
I'm fed up with this crap
I need to start over again

Well, here I am
It's 12 a.m.
I made it to the end
Of the end of the end

The time is up for this
But time's not up for me
More than 80 years to go
Who knows what I'll do

Tomorrow, I can breathe again
Tomorrow, I can change the world
Tomorrow, I can see the ones I love
But, tonight, I think I'll sleep

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