Shame

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C. S. Phoenix

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Shame runs deep in me
From the tip of my eyelashes
To the marrow of my bones

It started when I was four
I didn't know then
Or feel it then
But that's where the shame started

It wasn't until years later
When I found out
That what those older kids had taught me
Wasn't supposed to be taught to me
And it wasn't supposed to be done to me

And somehow
Though I didn't do the doing
I was the one who felt
Soiled

Somehow my flesh was rotten
At the touch of others
Who got to stay fresh

Shame settled in differently in later years
It wasn't just the actions of others
That brought on adulthood too fast

My body also decided
That as a nine-year-old
I should arrive into my adult form

While other little girls
Were still playing with dolls
I was getting fitted for bras
And watching my hips widen by the day

Childbearing hips
Are not featured
In Seventeen Magazine

And I was never taught better
Or different
So, I tried to starve myself away.

Shame is what I felt each time
Something wouldn't fit right
Or I only got an A, not an A+
When I didn't get first place
Or made a mistake
Each time
I was ever less than perfect

I have been trained for shame
But to this day
The most shameful thing
I've ever done
Was stay

After I said
If it's ever me or the kids, we have to leave
When you broke my belongings
And thrust your fist through our walls

After I said no and stop
Over and over
And you didn't
Stop

After you put your hands on me
And I thought
I wouldn't survive the night
I stayed

I stayed
Until you were done with me
Until you wanted something new

And that
Will always be
My greatest shame

Knowing I deserve much better than this
And accepting anything less

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