HIM

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Candace Nicholas-Lippman

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Why am I here
Why am I back here again
Nothing good ever comes of this
Us
Him

HIM

Honestly
Don't even know where to begin
Struggled in writing this
Cause see
I am a woman
Who knows her worth
Has self respect
And values
All that she is
But somewhere
I lost it
Me
I forgot my identity
And now the reflection I see
Is
Pathetic

His words
On repeat
In my head
I can't escape
Years of
Mind games
And manipulation
He has taken
Everything
So why am I here
Why am I back here again
In your bed
After the things you said
I let him in

The most precious
And sacred
Parts of me
My body
I opened her
So lovingly
Trusting
That she was safe
As you entered
Into her space
A space
That not all
Have access
But you
Took her for granted
You saw her
As just another
See his bed
Is never cold
Women
Often referred to
As Bitches and Hoes
His aroma
The spirit of lust
Is his special power
Hoarded
Over women
Convinced
That his actions
Are genuine
And pure
Because
He informs
His conquests
That he
Runs a certain program
That you must
Fall in line with
But if
HIM
Catches feelings
He admits
He'll cut you off
Cause the very thought
Of actually
Falling in love
Terrifies
The broken boy inside
So better
To break your heart
Than heal his own
I felt alone

Each time
I was in his presence
His attitude
Always negative
Combative
And filled with aggression
Can never fully take off my armor
Cause he'd always be suited for war
I'd hide my emotional battle scars
From those I loved
Why Am I HERE
Standing in your kitchen
As if last night didn't happen
He humiliated me
In public
Allowed the green eyed monster
Known as jealousy
Launch him into a
Grown boy tantrum
So skillfully
Turned the tables
Made me the villain
Used video surveillance
To threaten
Made me doubt my intuition
Placed fear in my spirit
To teach a lesson
Gaslighting
At its finest
I couldn't sleep
Didn't eat
Cried
Until my eyes
Were swollen
Advised
By family and friends
Who saw
The warning signs
Before I did
But I'd still
I'd Still
Go back to
HIM

I'm screaming on the inside
WHY AM I HERE
There was a small part of me
That took delight
In being
Chosen
See
We trauma bonded
And I chose
To focus
On the good
I did
See in HIM
Looked past
The emotional disconnect
His constant need for validation
Abusive
And disrespectful language
The façade
Male ego
And puffed up testosterone
Always the victim
A damaged little boy
In need of mamas attention
Daddy's acceptance
And female admiration
My love was selfless

We all deserve grace
And forgiveness
So I allowed
My desire
And hope
For you to be better
Keep me bound
I see
Now
HIM
It was always
About control
And I followed
Like a trained mutt
Waiting
Yearning
For your attention
Love and affection
Something I'd never get
As he's incapable
Toxic
A Narcissist
These
Are the adjectives
People use to describe
HIM
But you were my friend
At times
A lover
My companion
And I wish I could ask
HIM
Why
Did you take such pleasure
In trying to break
All that I am
The very parts
That you loved
And valued
You were masterful
At projecting
Your insecurities
Made me feel unworthy
And at times ugly
My dark complexion
Now compared
To every light skinned
Girl
I'd look in the mirror
Tear apart my figure
Who is this person
I don't even recognize
Myself
The woman
Who speaks life
Into others
Allowed such contempt
From someone
Who doesn't even know
His own worth
So how could he ever
Appreciates yours
This soul tie
Desperately want unknotted
And the releasing of shame
As I'm embarrassed to admit
That after all of this
I still believe
In the good
I still love
HIM

How
Did I get here

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